Introduction to Directed Studies

It's been a rough year with Colton. I think because he is 10 years old, and compeltely aware of his differences, as others his age are, everything seems so much more magnified. His peers are growing up an maturing, and Colton's behaviors are standing out more and more. In the past 2 days I've had 2 people ask me if he is medicated, indicating that they "think" he should be. This just crushes me as his mommy. It kills me because if there were not so many social norms that people/kids have to conform to, he would be able to be himself. I wish he could just live in HIS KIND OF NORMAL.

It's also been a challenge with my friends. I get "the look" from friends, other parents, everyone, in reference to him. I guess I thought friends of mine, who had boys too, would at least make an effort when it came to Colton. But over the past year it's been more and more apparant that this will not be the case. Nothing is kinder to me than a friend who invites Colton over, without any prompting by me. It makes Colton's month and he just beams! I just want my sweet boy to be happy, feel secure, and have self esteem. I've had strained friendships over him (or really situations where I've had issues with friends regarding him) which I never imagined. I know I need to begin to seek friendships with others who will accept Cole for who he is and teach their boys to be kind to him, even when they are not looking. It is so hard to be walking on the deck at school with Colton, have him say hi to a classmate and see that child completely dismiss him, ignore him, act as if he does not exist. I'm not sure what Colton thinks of this. He's old enough to notice and to feel hurt by it. It makes me wonder if this is why he is daydreaming more this year and getting more distant at school.

On Thursday of this week he does testing for the new Directed Studies Program at school. We are looking at the program for both Language Arts and Math. We are going to start with Language Arts and see how it goes from there. He is very hopefull and has asked me if I think the program will help him. I don't think I could love his little guy more. My goal for his year is to get his self esteem up and try to help get us financially stable so we can consdier moving to a new neighborhood to hopefully find a more community driven neighborhood. He's so lonely here.

In the beginning

In August of 2001, we became pregnant with our first child. Having a difficult preganacy, our first born was delivered via emergency C Cection at 4am, 6 weeks early. We were both horrified and elated. I had been on bed rest and hospitalized for so long that we were thrilled to have the ordeal over with, yet had not even thought of the implications this would have on our newborn son who was at that time a little over 3.5 lbs. He was tiny and having such a difficult labor, I did not get to physcially touch my son for 24 hours after they wisked him away to the NICU that first night. While I recovered from the deliver, my husband would jog back and forth from my LDR room and the incubator in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Under so much medication, it was hard for me to believe I even had a child. I was not given that natural time to bond with him right after birth so I was left to look at pictures my family had quickly developed for me (digital cameras were not as hot as they are now). It was not until I was brought into the NICU by a wheelchair and saw his incubator with his name written on a colorful, large nameplate on top, COLTON, that I shed my first tear. I actually began sobbing. It was that lightbulb moment that this was real, I had a baby boy. When the put him in my arms the first time I immediately noticed his nail beds. Yes, very random but they looked exactly like mine. And the whole time he craned his little neck which was smaller than my wrist, to hear my voice. I was smitten and 100% head over heels for this little guy not much heavier than a Chiuauaua. Colton spent 3 weeks in the NICU and once brought home, was as healthy as any full term child.